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love me, hate me, but only I can change me.

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The other day Dave made fun of people that share too much information on Facebook, using it as their personal journal or something. "Go write about it on Live Journal" he said. And I thought to myself, although I am not the FB TMI type, it's been TOO long since I've visited my long lost journal blog. That prompted me to realize that I rather missed it and I should go back and see if it still exists and if I can still post. So here I am, writing my first entry in over 2 years, not quite 3 but pretty close. 

Looking back at my second to last post is pretty amazing. Talking about curve balls a month and a half before I got the biggest one of my life - my eye surgeries - seems pretty strange in hindsight but may have contributed to how I stayed so strong and made it through that crazy experience.

So I'm going to give this journaling thing another shot, if not for anyone else to read, for me to be able to go back to and reflect on the things I'm learning throughout this life of mine. To think back and evaluate the situations I've been through and the decisions I've made. To give myself a time for myself and my thoughts because we all know I've got tons of them! =D

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Come unexpected.
Through a force of nature.
Ultimately putting life in perspective.
We all make them, or will have to, whether we like it or not.
Thus accepting this fact and embracing that we are all affected by the sacrifices we face and make, will help let go and accept the change with which they come.
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I'm pretty bad at keeping an online blog. It just hasn't been a priority ever, even though I enjoy writing my thoughts and find it therapeutic. I definitely give props to those that can maintain theirs. In any case, I'm here and writing and that's what matters.
So I'm focusing this entry on something I'm embracing currently. Some of the curve balls we're thrown in life can knock us off our path indeed but what I've found is it's all about learning how to adapt. I can't think of one time in my adult decision making career that I haven't had to deal with a change of plans and had to re-evaluate my plans accordingly. For example, back when I was approaching my junior year, I decided and adamantly dedicated myself to joining the Peace Corps. It was my perfect after college plan, humanitarian work for two years, self-discovery and cultural immersion. I could not think of a better path to finding my passion! What a rude awakening I had when my parents stirred more drama than I was prepared to handle. Definitely threw a wrench in my plans. However, I persisted, readjusted accordingly, completed a summer AmeriCorps internship, moved out of their house and decided to go to grad school out of state. The plan was genius and would have worked brilliantly if it weren't for the fact that my major was complete and I couldn't continue as an undergrad student at CSUN. Put into a predicament of having to stay a student to keep my job and housing but not being able to complete my minor (which was my plan), I decided to apply to the grad program in the field I planned to complete my minor. What a success that was! I love the program and am so glad to be continuing my education, getting experience and figuring out what I want to do with my future. Now comes the time again to get an idea for what I want to do next, even though it doesn't seem to work out for me to plan, I like to get an idea for what's out there. The most difficult part will be deciding where to move once I finish my degree and start working. I've realized that while I'm young, I want to experience as many different locations as possible. Staying in LA only hinders this ambition and if my experience and expertise can take me to colleges in other states, I want nothing more than to pursue such opportunities. I can't wait to see where I end up in the next couple of years and who I will meet along the way. My life has been an amazing adventure so far with experiences I would never take back and have learned so much from. I can't wait to see what's in store for me in the near and exciting future.
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I would love to do more traveling but that will come when time permits. Right now I want to go hiking and climbing more often. Oh and how I would I love to be at the beach more often, it has been far to long since I have felt the serenity of the ocean and experienced the thrill of crashing waves. I want to volunteer more often and be able to reach out to more kids and students and people across the world. I wish I could have more money so I can do things like these and not worry about going broke because I'm not getting paid. I recently wanted to start doing more yoga and made it happen so I know these things are all possible, it's just a matter of time! =D

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It seems that I'm always posting about my dreads and every time I sit to post, I try to make it this work of art, proper sentences and interesting topic, all that crap. I'm starting to do more work on this whole reflective learning bit and really can't seem to understand what causes me to hold on to some things. what causes me to want to have perfect blog posts, to take on so much at once, to not give myself breaks and time when I need and to take breaks and time when it's not necessary. why do I deal well with situations on the spot but still over think the process and dwell on situations that never end up happening the way I want them to. where do I look for answers to these questions even though they make little to no sense. what would I do with the answers even if I had them. how does someone grow and reflect on their life if there's always something deeper that answers the reason they do the things they do. what does all this thinking accomplish. where does it get me and why do I want to be there. now I'm not get angry, really, I'm not. I just want to know who's got the answers. I'm all ears. 
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"Action is the antidote to despair" were Jean Kilbournes final words of wisdom after her amazing lecture today. She is such a fascinating woman, I literally sat there and observed her public speaking abilities more than what she talked about! Well I listened to that and understood it fully, but boy was I captivated by her presentation style. One of the many advantages to being a student and seeking out involvement opportunities such as the one I was presented with this week. 
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Not tired, just finished up another round of reviewing for my final and decided to post the pictures that kept me well distracted on my study breaks :) and the fine job of sewing in all my loose hairs I did! :)
I'm very happy with how they're doing these days, would love a little more length and would love to understand how this length will come about, sometimes when I feel around the roots, it feels like the hair is growing into the dreads thickness rather than length. not sure if that makes sense but let me know if you've experienced this or know how to help it. any suggestions will be much appreciated :)





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Life has been wonderful lately. The whole it happens to you when you least expect it/aren't looking for it thing is so true and SO worth the wait.
This past weekend my cousins visited again and as usual, that is an experience and a half for me. I always enjoy hanging out and playing with them or entertaining them, whichever. I cleared my whole day when the seven year old rascal called me from my grandmas phone and left me the cutest message. My pops picked me up and I walked in to wonderfully surprise my twin girl cousins. They were so happy to see me and were going on about how they missed me and it was adorable. Susan just looked at me with her bright blue eyes for a while, studying my face, my hair, me. My mom later told me that they think something is wrong with her because of the way she stares but I think it was perfectly normal for a child to be curious about some one she hadn't seen in a while and missed. So after I ate, I started playing with them and the three of them followed me like I knew all the answers to the world. I helped them do handstands and bridges, we stretched and jumped around, they watched me hold my handstands and cartwheel, I watched them somersault like it was no ones business. Then we decided to go for a walk and take pictures. :)

But first I caught Allen in the action of throwing a grapefruit at Susan! For no reason. He's such a trouble maker!


I love the way the sun hit them in this picture. Poor Michelle was blinded!






The spinning was a horrible idea. I got so dizzy, my stomach and head just can't hack it anymore and the kids just wanted me to keep going.
I love letting them have a couple moments of freedom and peace, these are the years they'll get the most of it in their life. Sometimes I wish there were rigorous tests people had to go through before they were allowed to have kids and that without them, the reproductive system wouldn't function properly. It's such a shame seeing mass restrictions that seem absurdly crazy put on little kids. I can only give them that joy and peace while they are with me but it hurts to think about the shit they have to go through on a daily basis. I wish them the best and hope for their sanity in the future.

I really enjoyed the time I spent with them but not as much as knowing that they had a great time in those couple hours I spent with them. 
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Beautiful moon rise with red glow from fires.
quick stop for photography.





all worth it.
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I feel that I haven't expressed much, or enough rather, about the experiences I have encountered in the past year or so with dreads. So for lack of a better topic, I bring you compilation of notable experiences or something close to it.
Today I got a good laugh out of a customer at work that commented on my hair and how much he liked it, how he liked how cute I was and how I reminded him of his hippie days, all while his wife stood by and smiled. It was nice, genuine but he noticed I was starting to turn a little red and joked about how he remembers what it was like when he was in my shoes and disliking the feeling but how it comes naturally with his age. It was a funny good feel conversation. A lady later also mentioned that it was a unique hair style and she hadn't seen it anywhere else but when I mentioned Bob Marley to her she said that mine looked much neater and prettier compared. Lol, I was simply trying to give her an idea of what dreadlocks were but I suppose it was the first set she'd seen in person so it was a good experience for both.
The other day I went to my professors office hours and after talking about my grade, he mentioned how my hair style was unique and asked me a couple of questions including how I wash my hair. I feel like I still have a long way to go before I master answering questions and giving the right amount of information for different peoples needs or curiosities. Later that day on my bike ride to work, a dreaded guy driving by let me know that he liked my hair and I told him likewise.
Many-a-time I will be asked how I got my hair like that, how long it took, how I was it, etc. mostly from the older generations. The younger generations tend to a.) assume I'm a hippie b.) assume I smoke pot c.) not know what to relate it to, therefore leading the most common question by younger generations to be why I got my dreads. Which is actually the most difficult question to answer, especially with the limited time in which they want to hear an answer.
Though I get quite a bit of positive comments about my hair from strangers and acquaintances, I have a harder time with family. My grandma wants to know when I'll be cutting them off every time she sees me. My parents stopped talking about them because they used to stir up so many different emotions for each of us. I even have co-workers that suggest cutting them off, not sure why but people have their opinions. I suppose it's a matter of them expressing it and me doing what I feel with it.
::sigh:: I thought I'd be able to remember much more but sleep is calling my name instead so I will end it here.




oh! and I recently got the *first* comment about them looking longer! It was actually quite exciting because I usually get the "did you cut them" questions since I sew in my tips and they look shorter after. So here's a good picture of some length :)


peace and love
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